Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
