I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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