After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
