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remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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