I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
