I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
