I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
