but the lizard people decide everything anyway
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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