honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
