I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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