those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
