I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
