Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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