Have you finally orgasmed yet?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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