i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
this beer tastes like vomit already
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
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