Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
