My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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