Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
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He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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