he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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