theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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