I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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