If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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