you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
