I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
