i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
this beer tastes like vomit already
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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