I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
