my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
there is puke in my bra ... again
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