this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
