I hope mine doesn't look like that
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
