you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
