there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
