I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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