Barsexuality is the new black.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
