The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
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And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
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for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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