she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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