Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
