We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
