Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
