i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
