I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
