I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
