i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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