He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
