No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
