is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i love accidental penises.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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