That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
