Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
