Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
