After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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