So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
