I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
