how hairy? two words: wookie tits
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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