____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
